I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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