you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
