you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
