Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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