why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
