Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize