He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
third nipple confirmed
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
