I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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