textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
