1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
