you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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