I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
