dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize