Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
