You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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