As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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