You smell like stripper and shame
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
