accomplished twins. life is a go
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
