dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
