They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
