im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
