the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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