I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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