I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
its liver damage thursday
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
