She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
