I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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