im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
