I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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