I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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