I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
