cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
