I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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