Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
