ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize