I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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