i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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