About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
