Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize