____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Acid is not a monday night drug
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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