Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
