I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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