I think i peed on brittanys purse
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
