He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
