This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
