Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
