Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
