Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
