Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
