We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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