I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
