Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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