Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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