can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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