That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am midnight drunk by noon
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
