i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
