don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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