Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
