ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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