I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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