I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My vagina is officially offended.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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