where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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