Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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